2024 was a definitive year. A year of being brutally honest about the parts of myself I wished were different, and making real changes towards the direction I wanted to move in, mainly through healing my inner child. Yes, this is an art blog. But aside from being an artist, I’m a human and find it impossible to separate myself from my artwork as the pieces I create are a direct processing and reflection of my internal experiences. This blog post is a vulnerable, authentic share, and just as I create art with themes to connect, this post serves as another means, this time with words - because although the exact situations and struggles we face may differ, we can relate and empathize with one another knowing we are not alone in the human experience of our inner worlds and how they make us feel.
Towards the end of 2023, it became clear that the same old patterns were keeping me stuck and something had to change. Things like limiting beliefs, codependency, and seeking permission were all rooted in the past, and, even with the awareness of them, I still wasn’t able to kick my habitual thoughts and actions. How was this showing up in my life? Me deferring to others, withholding my opinion, making myself small, or pleasing others. It was straining my marriage, prohibiting me from connecting with others on a deeper level and limiting me personally and professionally. It was time to stop talking about changing, and actually make the necessary steps to embody them.
There were several areas where I was wanting to improve, but the major buckets were: my relationship with myself, others, finances, and health.
One step forward, two steps back…
I started with the least abstract: my health. For reference, I’m 47 and, like most middle-aged women, had noticed a decline in muscle mass. My game plan was inspired by my son, who had done spurts of push-ups, burpees and pull-ups throughout the day over the course of the past year and had transformed his body. I mean, I know I’m not a teenage boy, but his example of a little bit every day adding up to a lot over time seemed to make sense to me and was not too crazy of a commitment. So I started doing exercises at home, 10 min/day for 5 days/week. I made it a month before I felt a reoccurring shooting pain in my left shoulder. Painful to the point where I finally had to go see a doctor. Wouldn’t you know that while trying to get in better shape, I had caused a shoulder impingement from doing improper form on my dips. 4 months of physical therapy insued. I think my body was trying to make a point. I wasn’t going to move forward until I addressed all the parts that needed healing. (More health to be continued later on down the path…)
DIGGING DEEP INTO THE PAST
I’m genuinely interested in human psychology, neuroplasticity and the power of mindset, especially after seeing firsthand how just absorbing this content had improved my own outlook over the past 4 years. Of all the self-mastery books I’ve read, “No Bad Parts” by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD, has been the most impactful to me. Much like the movie “Inside Out,” the concept is to isolate yourself from a specific feeling or “part” of you - and drill down to better understand it’s attached story and meaning. These stories are usually programmed in childhood as a way to help us feel safe or cope. It made me see my inner landscape in a totally new way. But while I have learned a lot about myself through books, podcasts and meditation, there was still a deeper level that I wasn’t accessing from those alone. So when I decided to take the leap into getting therapy, I searched specifically for a psychologist certified in “parts” therapy based on the theories of Schwartz’ book. I had avoided therapy for years, but I felt like I had exhausted all other options. I was a combination of feeling fed up, curious, and brave, finally ready to get out of my own way. I’m not going to lie, therapy was challenging. There were a lot of tears, bringing up hurtful memories and trauma and the way those circumstances made me feel. (Side note: everyone has trauma, be it big T or little t). Revisiting the past and climbing into the mind of my 6 year old self took courage and a commitment to myself. But through these weekly sessions and with the guidance of my therapist, I was able to connect the dots between what stories that little girl in me had written to how I was still operating from them today on the subconscious level. I was able to prove that they were no longer true or helpful and was able to meet myself with validation, compassion with today’s adult perspective.
About 5 months in, something magical happened: my inner critic - the one who prominently pointed out my mistakes, assumed worst-case scenarios and questioned my “enough-ness” - all but evaporated. Through healing my inner child, I had given myself what I had needed all this time to accept myself fully and freely. I didn’t need permission anymore - I was the authority of me. I became more self-reliant, confident and regulated. The trickle-down effect it’s had into other areas of my life has been undeniable - it’s like I had a block that was removed. I finally felt safe enough to relax without feeling like I had to be “productive”. I feel like I have stepped into my power, living from my authenticity and the energy that had been wasted battling myself is now reallocated to better use. This rebirth was the impetus to my recent “Floodgates” Art Collection - a wave of healing after opening my internal floodgate.
RELATIONSHIPS
Part of evaluating everything, of course included my external relationships. There were two different types of rewiring I underwent: one from logical tools which helped me better understand myself, and second, from just going by feel. From a psychology lens, I knew I had codependent tendencies, an Anxious Attachment style and a people-pleasing “fawn” response when my nervous system was activated. Just identifying these were helpful in the path to change, to know there was an actual label and predictable human response that I fell into. In strengthening my relationship with myself, I was able to feel more rooted in my “Self” energy, more able to speak my mind rather than worry about ruffling feathers. I began to ask for what I wanted, rather than assuming people would read between the lines. I set boundaries and intentions. I was able to literally make my body feel safe when in difficult confrontations. Honoring my intuition and self-trust, I also began to pay closer attention to the energy I felt when in the company of others. Reese Witherspoon had a quote once where she described people as either a radiator or a drain. You immediately know what she means, right? Some people are energy-giving, leaving you on a high and in such positive spirits, while others kill the vibe with their complaining or gossiping. Be mindful and choosy with who you surround yourself with as you absorb their energy. And if you can’t change your company, you can be mindful of what you listen to - even having a positive audiobook in your ear can put you in a better mood.
FINANCIAL
With limited beliefs and a resistance to receiving, I had unwillingly put a cap on my career. That inner critic had held me back on what was possible and instead, kept me small. In my personal life, I was non-confrontational about money matters, whether it was reminding someone who hadn’t paid me back or a doctor visit that had overcharged me. It was just easier to say nothing and eat the cost. What I realize now is that these small infractions were all tests, and by not asking for what I was rightly owed or discounting my value, I was putting the message out into the universe that I wasn’t worth receiving it. I can see it so clearly now. I kid you not, that the minute I made myself have those uncomfortable conversations, the very next day, money would somehow flow my way - in the form of a new commission, art sale, etc. To me, this was evidence that I was on the right track, standing in my worth and strengthening my ability to receive. After doing the inner child work, I could literally feel the energetic shift in my business move from a place of lack towards one that was steadfast and valued. And while all the imagined goals of this year haven’t necessarily come true, there is a new sense of flow as an unprecedented number of unsolicited opportunities and inquiries have come my way, one after another. In fact, if all the proposals that I currently have floating out there are approved, my next 9 months will be full of paid commissions - the most steady income stream I’ve ever had. Creating art has never been the problem. All I know is that I am just going to continue to show up and put my authentic self out there. That is all I have control over. The rest I trust will find me.
Healthy Inside and Out
Circling back to health, I had to reassess after regaining the strength in my shoulder. This time, I went even more basic: walking. How could I mess that up? I made a goal of 10,000 steps 1-2 times/week and I’ve more or less been able to keep up with that. Sometimes it’s with my husband, sometimes catching up with a friend, or sometimes just me with a good audiobook, but whatever the combo, the unintended byproduct has been invigorating from more time in nature and meeting that step count goal. Aside from that, I’ve added a few dumbbell exercises, but slow, and in front of a mirror so I can observe my form. I’ve also switched to low-acid coffee, drink more water, and did a full blood panel to see which vitamins I was deficient in. I mention these small changes because every time I accomplish one of them, it makes me feel like I’m moving the needle, and the momentum starts to build on itself. Taking care of myself has made me feel better all-around and is a necessary investment in myself.
About a month ago, my husband and I were in the car when he turned to me and said, “Hey, you know how we were always having the same reoccurring fight? It hasn’t been a thing anymore.” Of course I had noticed this, but to hear it from him meant my changes were more than just internal. By repairing myself, I was able to show up differently in my relationship.
So yeah, it’s been a year for me. I share all this because I value being real, authentic and raw. No one’s life is all shiny and perfect and we all have things we wish to change about ourselves. I fully acknowledge my work is not done. It’s not like I have arrived and figured everything out - but I can say that reflecting back on this year, I overcame a huge obstacle that was in my way.
If you find yourself repeating patterns in relationships, having difficulty being in stillness, and at the receiving end of a harsh inner critic, I do think inner child work is worthwhile. I genuinely hope that by opening up, my experiences might inspire you to take action and shift in the direction of coming home to yourself.
Below are some specific resources that helped me through this year:
“No Bad Parts” by Richard C. Schwartz
“Liberated Love” by Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath
To Be Magnetic Program / Expanded Podcast
“Abundant Ever After” by Cathy Heller
“We Can do Hard Things” Podcast
“Letting Go” by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.
“How to Do the Work” and “How to Be the Love you Seek” by Dr. Nicole LePera
Attachement Style Quiz: https://www.attachmentproject.com/
And hours and hours of making art!!!